1. Waking Up Before 6 AM.

The act of waking up at 5:38 to be at work by 7AM is so painful that it LITERALLY [a la Rob Lowe on Parks and Rec] chips away at my soul. I don’t know how people do it. It surely warrants a slice of Starbucks pumpkin loaf.

2. Waiting in Line.

Any kind of line. Unless it’s for a rollercoaster. Or a line for free puppies. Otherwise, and ESPECIALLY if it’s at the DMV or some other poorly lit government office, you’re burning 100 calories a minute. Minimum. Just from sheer anxiety.

3. Installing Printer Ink.

Like an OK Cupid date, you know this will not end well, but you’re still hopeful. And you also wear your brand new WHITE Anthropologie blouse. Turns out your particular cartridge size has been discontinued. No bother! Let’s just cram this sucker in there and hope for the best. Not working? Okay. Let’s just poke a whole in it and pour the ink directly into the old cartridge. One ink-splattered apartment and nervous meltdown later, you’ve definitely burned a good 400 calories.

4. Math.

5.  Having Someone Lecture You On Something You Have No Interest In. Like Becoming Vegan.

Good for you for being lactose/gluten/meat/carb/joy-free. I mean, you’re denying yourself of everything I love in life, but good for you. I’m wasting away just listening to you, so surely I’ve lost eight pounds by now.

Thank you for reading. You have just burned 200 calories just for taking the time to read this VERY SERIOUS post.

Although I have mastered the ancient art of Play-Dough, the oral rhetoric of “Hi, may I start you a fitting room?” and the ultimate Zen of singing for casting directors who are eating their lunch, I can’t help but search for more.

Luckily, there’s hot yoga, where in between blackouts and Timbering Tree pose I can gaze into the puddle of sweat on my mat and, like Dumbledore, piece together clips from the movie of my life leading me towards ultimate nirvana—-What makes me happy?

Bacon.

But besides that…

I think we’re all truly happiest when we feel as though our gifts, which are unique to each of us, are being recognized and utilized to their fullest potential. I’m trying to figure out what this is.

I’ve always loved the art of storytelling. I love rich, three-dimensional characters who pinpoint the human experience and prove that as different as we are, we all want and value the same things, and therefore, are the same.

Is that what got me into acting, or did 14 year-old Kallie love having a group of fabulous theatre friends and something to latch onto at a time when you haven’t the slightest clue of who you are?

Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. I have a wonderful family (Hi, Mom and Dad!), hilarious and amazing friends, and an apartment walking distance to Trader Joe’s. I’m living the dream. But as I get older, and let the universe take me through this Double Dare Challenge (remember that!?!) obstacle course, I can’t help but hear it point me towards a different pizza flag in a different kiddie pool of green slime (remember THAT?!?!?)—-and when I find it I will exclaim:

EUREEKA’S CASTLE!

And then my family will win an all inclusive trip to the Carribbean.

*Captioning provided by: Fruit Roll Ups.

In keeping with the holiday season and the fact that I fancy mahself a white, half-Jewish Oprah (pshhhh…I wish!) I hereby would like to commence my very own List of Favorite Things (aka ‘OBESSIONS’ aka ‘Things I Really REALLY Like That I Think You Should Get Into’).

1. Raisin Rosemary Crisps from my husband….I mean…Trader Joe’s.

This cracker, you guys. THIS CRACKER!!!!! …Is not just ANY cracker. “Crack” being the keyword here. Put some gouda, goat cheese, or sharp cheddar and BAM you got yourself dinner. A delicious dinner.

2. Masterpiece Classic: Downton Abbey

I really can’t say enough about Downton Abbey. Nary have I seen a more well-written show comprised of such a superb ensemble cast of incredible, three-dimensional characters. It is rare that you come across a story, play, show, what-have-you in which you care for every single character. Each is flawed, yet each is innately human. I don’t want to give too much away, but I will tell you the gist:

Season 1 of Downton Abbey begins at the turn of the century right after the crash of the Titanic and ends just as WWI is announced. The story is set on the air of change. Social structures, technology, class systems are all changing! This, piled on top of characters that you can’t help but love, makes for one amazing and addictive show. Oh, did I mention it’s on Netflix Instantplay?

3. Alabama Shakes

Hands down- my favorite new band of 2011.

I saw the Shakes play live last week, and here I am, a full week later still reeling over that show. It’s hard to compare them, but maybe if The Black Keys, Sharon Jones, and a bolt of lightning had a baby it would be the Alabama Shakes…maybe. Lyrically simple, but incredibly honest, each brilliant song makes ya get up and dance. I am telling you, if you know what’s good for ya, get into the Alabama Shakes!!!!

4. Mango

I don’t know what’s gotten into me lately, but I CANNOT STOP eating mangoes. Maybe it all started a week ago when I was babysitting. After I put the kids to bed I opened the fridge to find a gleaming tupperware container FULL of sliced mango. Before I knew it, the container was empty and the mango was GONE except for, like, 4 slices.

I still feel really guilty about it…

5. Trader Joe’s Three Layer Hummus

Honestly, nobody understands me like Trader Joe.

You have three layers: roasted red pepper, original, and cilantro. Need I say more?

6. Gavin & Stacey

Oh my gosh, y’all. I am loving this show so much right now. Also brought to us by the BBC via Netflix Instantplay, Gavin & Stacey tells the story of a long-distance couple that meets face to face for the first time in Episode 1. Add their hilarious family and best friends and you have comedic gold. Obsessed with this show.

7. Bacon

I mean, no surprise here.

8. Mirco and Mao

Mirco and Mao is a collection of around 100 youtube videos chronicling the frienship of the cutest Asian baby, Mao, and her older brother, best friend, and French bulldog, Mirco.

WARNING: You will end up watching three hours of these videos. Plan on it being a long night. It’s impossible to watch just one.

9. Trader Joe’s Cocoa Drizzled Kettle Corn

No words. Just heaven.

10. Lianne la Havas

My new favorite British songstress. The whimsical, smokey-voiced Lianne la Havas opened for Bon Iver a few weeks ago and I’ve been listening to her nonstop.

Well, there you have it! Most of them were food. Most of them were British. ALL OF THEM ARE AWESOME.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays, y’all! I am unendingly grateful for all 10 of you that read this blog (Hi, Mom!).  I am a lucky gal. Thank you for your love and support and here’s to an awesome 2012!!! (If the world doesn’t end and all).

I’m almost at the two month mark of my return to civilization. I don’t count the month that I spent in New Orleans because waking up at noon everyday, going to yoga, and hanging out with friends is more LaLaLand than it is civilization.

Since I’ve been in Chicago I have moved twice, had probably 8 or so nervous breakdowns, taken 40 classes, been to a few (but not as many as I would like) auditions, and changed too many diapers to count. In other words, I am living the dream.

I decided to commit to Chicago for at least a year during which time I will pound that damn pavement so hard until there are holes in my shoes. Oh wait…

After that I will reevaluate and plan my next move.

I’ve been taking tons of yoga classes lately. My amazing friend, Amy O’Connell, hooked me up with free yoga making it the cheapest form of therapy. There’s a pose called Birds of Paradise in which you start in Side Angle and with your arms bound, come to standing on one leg with your other leg pointing out beautifully. All while still having your arms still bound like a pretzel. That is a long and confusing and probably not accurate way of saying that is pose is really difficult. At least for me. I was always so terrified and just knew that I would either A) Fall down or B) Look like an idiot and then fall down. So, I never even tried it- I’d just stay in Side Angle. Well the other day, something came over me and I was feeling pretty ballsy so I went for it. Did I fall? Yes. Absolutely. Did I look like an idiot? Probably. Absolutely. But I realized that I had come farther in this pose than I ever had before. After falling and retrying a few times I finally gained balance while standing on one foot, and while my other leg wasn’t completely extended it was still the highest off the floor it had ever been.

I realized that the only things holding me back from attempting this posture were fear and ego. That’s what it always is, right? It’s fear and ego that hold us back from pursuing what we really want because it’s scary as hell to be on shakey ground- having your balance tossed every which way. But it’s then- when you feel like you’re gonna timber and fall to the ground with a thud that your muscles strengthen and your core kicks in and you feel things working that you never did before. So then, maybe next time, you don’t fall. Or you do, and that’s okay. But you’ll never get that pose if you stay in Side Angle.

I know this metaphor has been said before, but for some reason it never hit home until a few days ago.

And say you did get this pose right away, where would the joy be? The day I finally get this pose I may actually pee my pants.

I’m thrilled to be back in Chicago, shakey ground and all.

Namaste.

Wow. I haven’t written anything in a long, long time. My apologies for being a complete slacker.

After 10 months of touring we finished our last month in HAWAII!  I had been looking forward to this with every fiber of my being since I first found out in February. Needless to say, I was so excited…so excited that I just couldn’t hide it.  Hawaii was in one word: UNREALAMAZINGWONFERFULAWESOMEINCREDIBLE. The minute the plane landed I felt as though my internal wavelength totally synced with Hawaii’s laidback, friendly, chill vibe. I could move there in a heartbeat. The water was the most beautiful shade of turquoise blue. We spent two weeks on the island of Oahu so I got to do a lot! I went underwater scootering, parasailing, and when my family came out the last weekend we went on the official 8-Hour Lost Tour!

Note me crashing into Casey after the captain decided to DUNK us!

Running from the SMOKE MONSTER.

After Oahu we ended the tour in the most beautiful place yet, Maui. After a great week in Maui with my family and six final shows, I was done. I successfully completed my first national tour.

I am so grateful to have had the year I did. I got to travel the country while performing and making life-long friends and memories. What more could you ask for?

People always say, “When you look back, you only remember the good times.” As challenging as this year was at times, I know that I will only look back on it with fond memories. When I am 80-years-old I will always smile when I remember the year that I traveled with Sesame Street Live.

I have been home for almost a month now, and to tell you the truth- it’s been tough. I had some real issues becoming a fully functioning member of society again. What do you mean, I have to stay in a place for more than a week? What do you mean, no housekeeping? You mean I can spend more than 20 minutes in the grocery store?! This is MADNESS! MADNESS I TELL YOU! I was so used to GO GO GO, but being home is all SLOW SLOW SLOW! I needed to go to rehab for muppets.

I think another reason why I was such a hotmess after returning home from tour is because for the past year I knew exactly where I was going to be the following week, month, six months…you get the picture. Everything was planned- I didn’t need to think or worry about it. But now, being released back into the wild that is THE REAL WORLD, it became clear that it is all up to me. The unknown is scary as hell- not knowing where your next job will come from, if you’ll be happy with the choices you make, if anyone else will ever hire you as an actor- it’s terrifying! TERRIFYING I TELL YOU! However, after lots of yoga and listening to my gut and the universe, I decided I need to go back to Chicago and give this crazy career all I’ve got.

I have been adjusting a little bit better as of late. I feel better now that I have secured a sublet in Chicago for September 1st (I have my own dance studio IN the living room of my apartment!! dskjfgdskjgfdsk!!). I have also signed up for some awesome classes including improv at Second City, and I have a possible nannying gig. So maybe I am not so helpless afterall!

I have learned a whole lot about myself this past year. My top three lessons learned are:

1. Pick your battles. Take a step back and get perspective before you go absolutely  apeshit about something that does not matter. You have so much to be grateful for.

2. Lead more with your heart and less with your head.

3. Don’t worry. Everything works out the way it should. Work towards your goals and what you love and the universe will provide the pathway. In other words: It’ll all twerk out. (See what I did there?)

It sounds so cheesy when I read it back to myself, but honestly, it’s true.

Mmmmm…cheese.

Well, off I go. My next adventure awaits!

These are not your standard music, family, travel questions. No, we’ll get to that later IF you make it through level 1. This compilation of foolproof first date questions is as follows:

1. What are your plans for the Apocalypse?

If your answer is “I don’t know”- EHHHHHHHH WRONG ANSWER. If you don’t have a concrete plan, then it’s not going to work out. This tells me that you are not capable of thinking of the long-term. Or even the short-term. Who knows when it will come?!?! I’m sorry, but if you do not know how you are going to fight off the killer zombies, then I simply cannot see forever with you.

2. How do you feel about space cowboys?

If you look at me like WTF?!! then BYEEEEEEEE. If you’re like “AWESOME” then OKAY, this could be something. I am not so much referring to the Clint Eastwood movie, but rather the general idea. This proposes the further question: How do you feel about space? Both outer space and space in general. If you haven’t given it much thought then obviously you are a selfish, thoughtless individual and I want nothing to do with you. You are bound to forget my birthday and only take me to restaurants that YOU want to go to like Applebees. Gross. You’ll blow off seeing my show because you HAVE to play fantasy football or something and you will NEVER compromise on pizza toppings. It’s not going to work out.

3. What is your favorite kind of cheese?

If you don’t like cheese, I can’t trust you. If your answer is American or a mild cheddar, then you have no personality or sense of adventure. I am clearly on a different level. CYA.

4. If you could be half man/half animal, what would your half animal side be?

I think I would like to be half girl/half owl. I definitely want to fly, and owls are very wise. Also, birds have really fast metabolisms because they exert so much energy flying. Also, being half owl would give me an excuse to sleep all day because I would HAVE to stay up all night. There is no right answer to this question only wrong answers. The answer to this question tells me a lot about your character. If you were half man/half lion you could be very chauvinistic, but if you were half man/half zebra you have the potential to look very cool and therefore be awesome.

5. If I gave you a dozen eggs and set the container approximately 20 feet away how would you safely get the eggs to the container? NOTE: I will be throwing water balloons at you the whole time. This question is crucial. In relationships, there’s a lot thrown in your path. Can you make it, or will you crumble? Will you completely lose it and start throwing the eggs at innocent bystanders? Will you fall to the ground sobbing and roll around crushing all of the eggs, or will you dodge the water balloons like a ninja and deposit the twelve eggs safely into their container? Quite frankly, if I can’t trust you to take care of a dozen eggs, how can I trust you with my heart?

Oh lorsh. I’ve realized that this tour is entering the home stretch and I need to start writing down more of my travels! Time to get crackin’. Let me play a lil game of catch-up. I will attempt to re-cap the adventures I’ve had since I last posted which was in Syracuse.

Memphis:

WAS AWESOME. Beale Street was everything I thought it would be- drunks and lots of blues…and I loved every second of it.  We stuffed our faces with BBQ and filled our livers with happy hour cocktails. Needless to say, as much fun as I had in Memphis when Monday rolled around I was content with leaving. I needed to detox. Between Graceland, Sun Studios, $5 martini happy hour, Beale Street, and the cute Irish boy I met, Memphis definitely did not disappoint.

Bridgeport, CT:

AKA- NYC for 2 days!!! Similar to the last time I went to NYC, my 48 hour NYC vacay was a drive-by foodmargaritatheatrefriendsfest. So many of my favorite people in the world are in NYC and I got to see and spend time with almost all of them. I had margs (duh) with Davey, I got to see the one and only, Chelsea Barker, make her NYC debut (She was fabulous, of course!) and I stayed with the incomparable OOOOOP!!! OH!-and I had a 9am Dunkin Donuts coffee date with Andi Bohs!!! As if I wasn’t already in blissworld, I got to see not one but TWO shows in the span of 48 hours! I saw Catch Me If You Can which was great- loved Aaron Tveit and Norbert Leo Butz’s performances, and the dancing was so fun. But my favorite was hands down The Book of Mormon.  I’m still speechless- all I can say it’s the best thing I’ve ever seen. SEE IT NOW!

Then we played some other cities BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Newark, DE:

which is only 45 minutes outside of Philly! Philadelphia is a city I have ALWAYS wanted to go to but never had. I loved it. I could move there. Easy. Not just because Anthropologie’s headquarters are there. Philly has lots to offer. Like FOOD. Food and museums. And Anthropologie. We frolicked around the funky thrift store area (4th and Bainbridge?) and then made our way to the Reading Terminal Market. Now, let me tell you about the Reading Terminal Market. If you grew up as an overweight child with a bowl haircut and a mouth full of braces you would know that while other kids’ wildest fantasies usually involved becoming a Disney princess or action hero or something, your’s was a giant building with rows and rows of delictible gourmet delicasies. I entered the Reading Terminal Building and what I saw, well, it might as well have been a dream. A dream come true for ten-year-old Kallie. I wondered with rows and rows of booths just looking and drooling at everything. Then I saw/smelled the most amazing cookies. I knew they had to be mine. So I got two(ish) and asked the cookie lady, “What’s your favorite dish in this entire building?” I figured she’d give me some vague reply like, “Oh, everything’s good!” but no! She said, “Oooooh, baby! You need to getchu dat salmon n shrimp n rice wit da red sauce! MMMMMMMM I want some right now!” Sure enough, cookie lady did not steer me wrong. THEN only a few hours later (after a trip to the Fabric Workshop and Museum and the very first Anthro (!!!!!!!)) we HAD to get our Philly cheesesteak on. We went to the legendary Pat’s. UH-MAZE-ING. The rest of the week in Delaware was quite lovely. We stayed in a BOMB hotel with a FREE happy hour every day and the most amazing complimentary breakfast complete with the greatest omelet station of life. Easter was very nice. We found a church with a wonderful service, had a yummy brunch, had one show, and then BAM I jumped on a jet plane en route to NAWLINS!

NAWLINS:

Why do I ever leave? It really is greatest city in the world. I was only home for two days, so I got a little fix, but not nearly enough. At one point I was driving in the French Quarter and I got stuck behind a man skipping in the middle of the street wearing nothing but a skirt with four-leaf clovers on it. Totally normal.  Spending time with my family and friends, eating some amazing food, and sleeping in my own bed totally brought me back to life and defrosted my soul. 

Now I am in Rochester, NY which is surprisingly nice. I mean, I’ve only been here for five hours and I haven’t really seen much aside from the hotel and the grocery, but I have a beautiful view of the river from my hotel room, so it’s legit enough for me.

You’re probably thinking to yourself “Wow. This is the longest post of life”…that is if you’re still reading this post (Mom). I still have more to say, but at the risk of being long-winded I will continue my thoughts, mostly asking myself what the hell I’m going to do with my life, on another post. So…um….BYEEEEEE!